Hoe lief jy jouself??

Dis Valentynsdag en dis die maand van liefde; en wanneer ons van ons kinders afgesny is, het ons al die liefde nodig wat ons kan kry!

For people who have been badly hurt, love seems a long way away.

Dis nie selfsugtig om jouself lief te hê nie. Ons weet nie altyd hoe nie, maar daar is maniere….

Kyk goed na jouself en pas jouself op

Wees medelydend en geduldig met jouself

Weet waar lê jou sterkte in tye van teenspoed

Wees teenwoordig in elke oomblik, moenie dat die lewe verby jou gaan nie

Deel elke dag ‘n bietjie geluk uit

Herinner jouself dat dit beter is om te gee as om te ontvang

En vier die liefde!

Gelukkige Valentynsdag vir almal!

Veral aan die Mammas, Pappas, Oumas en Oupas wat afgesny is van hul kinders en kleinkinders. Baie liefde vir julle xxx

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Flora Campbell

“I have blotted out her name from my Bible, where her mother’s name is written and mine. She has wrought confusion, I have no daughter. But I loved her, she never knew how I loved her, for her mother would be looking at me from her eyes,” said Lachlan Campbell as he sits in silence in the shadow in church. “It is known to me that a young woman who has been a member of this church has left her home and gone into the far country. There will be no use in summoning her to appear before the session, for she will never be seen again in this parish. I move that she be cut off from the roll, and her name is—“ Lachlan’s voice broke, but in an instant, he recovered. “Her name is Flora Campbell.”

The minister took the old man’s arm, led him into the minister’s home, and set him in the big chair by the study fire. “With the Lord there is mercy, and with Him is plenteous redemption.”

Lachlan took a letter from his pocket with a trembling hand:

Dear Father,

When this reaches you I will be in London and not worthy to cross your door. Do not be always angry with me, and try to forgive me, for you will not be troubled any more by my dancing or dress. Do not think that I will be blaming you, for you have been a good father to me, and said what you would be considering right, but it is not easy for a man to understand a girl. Oh, if I had my mother, then she would have understood me and I would not have crossed you.

Forget my foolishness, but don’t forget me, and maybe you will still pray for me. Take care of the geraniums for my sake, and give milk to the lamb that you called after me. I will never see you again, in this world or the next, nor my mother….

Your unworthy daughter,

Flora Campbell

“This is a fiery trial, Lachlan, and I cannot even imagine what you are suffering,” said the minister. “But do not despair, for that is not the letter of a bad girl. Perhaps she was impatient and has been led astray. But Flora is good at heart, and you must not think she is gone forever.”

The minister walked with Lachlan to the foot of the hill on which his cottage stood. After they had shaken hands in silence, the minister watched the old man’s figure in the cold moonlight till he disappeared into the forsaken home, where the fire had gone out on the hearth, and neither love nor hope was waiting for a broken heart.

Everyone knew the tragedy of Flora Campbell and never opened their lips. They refused to pry into this secret. No one even looked as he sat alone in his pew or came down on a Saturday afternoon to the village shop for his week’s provisions. His hair has turned white in a month, and he’s away to nothing in his clothes. Anybody can see his heart is breaking. Everyone was helpless.

Mrs. Marget Howe met Lachlan in the shop and read his sorrow in a glance. She went home in great distress. “It was woesome to see the old man gathering his bit things with a shaking hand, and speaking to me about the weather, and all the time his eyes were saying, ‘Flora, Flora.’” So Mrs. Howe came round the corner of Lachlan’s cottage, and she found Flora’s plants laid out in the sun and her father watering them on his knees. One was ready to die.

“Lachlan, we both have been afflicted. I had a son, and he is gone. You had a daughter, and she is gone. I know where my son is, and am satisfied. But your sorrow is deeper than mine.”

Lachlan answered, “I will not speak of her. She isn’t anything to me this day. She has been a shame to her name.” So he opened the Bible, and there was Flora’s name scored with wavering strokes, but the ink had run as if it had been mingled with tears.

Mrs. Howe’s heart burned within her at the sight. “This is what you have done. You are an old man, and in sore travail, but you, Lachlan, have the greater shame. Just twenty years of age this spring, and her mother dead. No woman to watch over her, and she wandered from the fold, and all you can do is to take her out of your Bible. Woe is me if our Father had blotted out our names from the Book of Life when we left His house. But He sent His Son to seek us, and a weary road He came. I tell you, a man would not leave a sheep to perish as you have cast off your own child. You’re worse than Simon the Pharisee! Poor Flora, to have such a father!”

Lachlan sunk into a chair and cried. “God will have smitten the pride of my heart, for I was hard on my child, and I was hard on the minister, and there was none like me. The Lord has laid my name in the dust, and I will be angry with her. But she is the scapegoat for my sins and has gone into the desert. God be merciful to me, a sinner!”

So Mrs. Howe knew there and then it would be well with Lachlan again, and she wrote Flora a letter, beckoning her home to her father. Meanwhile, Lachlan cleaned and trimmed a lamp that was kept for show and had never been used; and set it in the window. And every night its light shone down the steep path ascending to Flora’s home.

Flora got the letter. Flora set her journey back home. A turn of the path brought her within sight of the cottage, and she saw the kitchen window was ablaze with light. She understood; and in the greatness of her joy, she ran the rest of the way. The dogs, who never forget nor cast off, were bidding her welcome with short, joyous yelps of delight. Her father, who had never even kissed her all the days of her youth, clasped her in his arms and sobbed out blessings over her head. Lachlan was carried with joy but was sadly dashed when he saw the signs of sore sickness on Flora’s face.

Later that night he went to his place of prayer and lay on the ground and cried, “Have mercy on me, O Lord, and spare her for Thy Servant’s sake. Take her not till she has seen that I love her. Give me time to do her kindness for the past wherein I oppressed her. Turn away Thy judgment on my harness, and let not the child suffer for her father’s sins.”

On her sickbed, Flora told Mrs. Howe the history of her letter. “It is weary to be in London and no one to speak a kind word to you, and I will be looking at the crowd that is always passing, and I will not see one kind face, and when I looked in at the lighted windows, the people were all sitting around the table, but there was no place for me. I was like a wounded deer and tried to hide, and I crept into the shadow of a church and wept. There was a service in the church, and this was the hymn: There is a fountain filled with blood. So I went in and sat down at the door. The sermon was on the prodigal son, but there is only one word I remember: ‘You are not forgotten or cast off,’ the preacher said. ‘You are missed.’ Then he said, ‘If you had a plant, and you had taken great care of it, and it was stolen, would you not miss it? Or if a shepherd was counting his sheep, and there was one short, does he not go out to the hill and seek for it? Or if a father had a child, and she left her home and lost herself in the wicked city, she will still be remembered in the old house, and her chair will be there.’ This word was ever in my ear, ‘missed,’ and I was wondering if God was thinking of me. Perhaps there may be a sign, and I went back to my room and saw the letter there. It was not long before I was on the train.”

Lachlan brought over the family Bible and opened it to the family register where his daughter’s name had been marked out. Then he laid it down before Flora and bowed his head on the bed. “Will you ever be able to forgive your father?”

“Give me the pen,” Flora said, and wrote the following:

FLORA CAMPBELL

Missed April 1873

Found September 1873

*********************

Ons het ‘n Goeie Herder aan ons kant.

Psalm 139:7-12 is my gunsteling psalm wat ek graag bid wanneer ek my dogters aan die Here opdra.

Waarnatoe kan hulle gaan waar U nie is nie?

Waarnatoe kan hulle wegvlug van U?

As hulle opklim na die hemel, dan sal U daar wees.

As hulle in die doderyk hul slaapmat oopgooi en gaan lê, dan sal U daar ook wees.

As hulle ver na die ooste vlieg of as hulle ver in die weste gaan woon, dan sal U ook daar vir hulle lei en hulle vashou.

As hulle sê die donker moet hulle toemaak, die lig rondom hulle moet donker word, dan is dit nie donker vir U nie. Vir U is die nag so lig soos die dag en donker is vir U soos lig.

Ouervervreemding – en die Wet

In een van ons groepbesprekings nou die dag het iemand uitgevra oor ouervervreemding: Wat is ouervreemding? Wat sê die Wet oor ouervervreemding? Antwoord op die laaste vraag: Nie veel nie. Daar is so baie onkundigheid rondom die onderwerp; vir baie mense is dit so nuut soos môreoggend se nuusvoorblad, maar eintlik dateer dit heeltemal terug na die tuin van Eden. Maar in ons Familiewet kry dit ongelukkig nie erkenning nie.

Op die eerste vraag, wat is ouervervreemding?

Ouervervreemding is die sielkundige manupilasie van ‘n kind deur ongeregverdigde vrees, disrespek en haat teenoor ‘n ouer en ander familielede te demonstreer. Vervreemding sluit die volgende in:

  • Om die vervreemde ouer konstant en aanhoudend te kritiseer en verkleineer
  • Om die kind te verhoed om oor die ander ouer te praat, en om kontak te beperk of te verhoed
  • Om enige teenwoordigheid van die ander ouer uit die lewe van die kind te elimineer
  • Om die idee aan te moedig dat die ander ouer nie lief is vir die kind of nie die kind wil hê nie; dus word die kind forseer om tussen die ouers te kies
  • Om die kind te “dissiplineer” deur middel van dreigemente, of om liefde en aandag te onttrek
  • Om ‘n kind van enige positiewe herinneringe te breinspoel

Dr Craig Childress, Amerikaanse sielkundige en kenner op die gebied van ouervervreemding, beskryf dit as ‘n geval waar een ouer of stiefouer die kind of kinders moedswilliglik teen die ander ouer draai deur middel van manupilasie. Deur net na ‘n kind se gedrag te kyk, kan ‘n mens maklik die vrees vir die vervreemder opmerk. Eventueel kan kinders so erg geïndoktrineer raak en angstig om die vervreemder tevrede te stel, dat hulle self die ander ouer begin haat en teister. Volgens Dr Childress is ouers wat kinders indoktrineer om hulle van die ander ouer te vervreem, narsissisties van aard; wat beteken dat hulle totaal selfbehep, selfgesentreerd, en selfverheffend is. Die simptome van narsissisme sluit in: besitlik; onsimpatiek; afwesigheid van empatie; verwaand; minagtend; onbeskeie; voortvarend; pretensieus; onnatuurlik; eersoekerig; bakleierig; vermetel; beledigend; liefdeloos; verkleinerend; paternalisties; vol eieroem; selfverheerliking; opgeblase; oneerbiedig; onbeskof; meerderwaardig; aanstellerig. Die lys is eindeloos.

Iemand wat ‘n kind van die ander ouer vervreem, dra die volgende boodskap aan ‘n kind oor: “Ek is die enigste een wat lief is vir jou en jy het my nodig om goed te voel oor jouself. Jou ma (of pa) is onverantwoordelik en sy (of hy) wil jou nooit gehad het nie. As jy kontak met jou ma (of pa) wil hê gaan dit ons verhouding benadeel. Jy moet kies: of ek, of sy (hy).”

‘n Gyselaar Situasie

Dr Childress vergelyk ouervervreemding met ‘n gyselaar situasie waar die vervreemder ‘n sielkundig versteurde en hoogs beherende narsissistiese individu is; wat onbedaarlike woede uitbarstings en verwerping teenoor die kind toon as die kind net waag om van die vervreemder se eise af te wyk. En voordat daardie kind nie totaal uit die gyselaar situasie verwyder word nie, kan dit nie van die kind verwag word om teen die persoonlikheidsversteurde gyselaarnemer se wil te gaan nie – juis as gevolg van die graad van sielkundige teistering waaraan die kind onderworpe sal wees as die kind net waag om te hunker na die teiken-ouer. Hoe meer die kind met die ander ouer te doen wil hê, hoe meer emosionele druk plaas die vervreemder op die kind om die ander ouer simptomaties te bly verwerp. Dus word die kind verander in ‘n sielkundige slagveld. Eventueel vernietig dit die kind geheel en al.

Vervreemding gaan gepaard met: Ongevoeligheid. Apatie. Sielloosheid. Afstomping. Kilheid. Liefdeloosheid. Hardvogtigheid. Onmenslikheid. Gewetenloosheid. Verwydering. Breuk. Afstand. Skeiding. Verdeel. Inbeslagneming. Isolasie. Eliminasie. Onteiening. Ontneming. Diefstal.

Salomo

Onthou die situasie met Salomo, waar die twee vroue voor hom verskyn en beweer het dat ‘n baba aan hulle albei behoort het? Salomo het ‘n bevel gegee dat die baba in die helfte gekap moes word; en dat elke vrou ‘n helfte kry. Die kind se ware ma het gekeer en gesmeek dat Salomo nie die baba in die helfte moes kap nie, maar om eerder die kind vir die ander vrou te gee. Salomo het die vrou erken as die kind se ware en biologiese ma aangesien sy bereid was om die kind op te gee – eerder as om die kind te vernietig. Daarom het hy die kind vir die regte ma teruggegee.

In ouervervreemding sal die narsissistiese ouer eerder die kind sielkundig en emosioneel vernietig as om te sien dat die kind ‘n band met die ander ouer het. Enige tyd wat die kind probeer om ‘n band met die ander ouer te vorm, word die druk op die kind geplaas om simptomaties vyandiggesind teenoor die ander ouer te bly. Die vervreemder, soos in die verhaal van die twee ma’s, is bereid om die kind in die proses te vernietig net om te verseker dat die kind nie ‘n band met die ander ouer behou nie. En vat dit van my af: daar is absoluut niks wat jy daaraan kan doen nie!

Mense vra dikwels, hoekom het jy nie meer moeite gedoen om kontak te maak met jou dogters nie? Hoekom het jy nie harder probeer nie? Die hartseer realiteit is – en ek kan persoonlik hiervan getuig – dat ons as vervreemde ouers nie bereid is om ons kinders verder in die posisie te plaas waar hulle emosioneel afgetakel en vernietig word nie. Ons is nie bereid om ons kinders “in die helfte” te laat kap nie. Ons sal eerder deur ons kinders verwerp en gehaat word as om meer druk op hulle te plaas.

Ongelukkig skiet ons geregstelsel baie ver tekort aan die gesofistikeerde wysheid van Salomo om die valse ouer tereg te identifiseer as die narsissistiese, selfbehepte ouer wat bereid is om die kind sielkundig en emosioneel dood te maak en van hom of haar ‘n simbool van narsissistiese oorwinning oor die ander ouer te maak.

Die Wet

Ongeveer 80% van kinders uit egskeidings – indien nie meer nie – word blootgestel aan ouervervreemding. In die verlede het die hof gesukkel met kwessies rondom ouervervreemding. Deesdae word die regte van kinders beklemtoon. Hulle het ook nou ‘n sê in die saak en die hof gee groot voorkeur aan kinders se wense en gevoelens. ‘n Kind kan vandag vanaf ‘n baie jong ouderdom self besluit oor sy of haar welsyn. Anders as in Suid-Afrika, gaan party lande soos die VSA so ver as om derde partye aan te stel om verhoudings te probeer herstel waar kinders van een ouer vervreem is. In ander lande is die vonnis vir vervreemders ‘n boete – of tronkstraf. Ouers en voogde wat skuldig is aan manupilasie se kinders word summier weggevat van hulle af en hulle mag glad nie kontak met die kinders hê nie.

Dis jammer dat Suid-Afrika ook nie sulke streng standpunte inneem rondom die probleem nie; want by ons word ouervervreemding eenvoudig beskou as ‘n produk van bitterheid as gevolg van ‘n mislukte verhouding. Maar in werklikheid is ouervervreemding ‘n internasionaal erkende vorm van sielkundige en emosionele mishandeling; en dit ondermyn die Universal Declaration of Human Rights en die United Nations Convention van kinderregte. In Mexiko en Brasilië word ouervervreemding geklassifiseer as ‘n kriminele oortreding. Want dis presies wat dit is. Ek praat nie van gevalle waar kinders mishandel word nie, dis heeltemal ‘n ander saak. Maar ouers en stiefouers wat kinders van die ander ouer vervreem, pleeg summier kindermishandeling. Want dit is wat vervreemders is: misdadigers.

In baie gevalle word vervreemde ouers blootgestel aan valse aanklagtes van mishandeling of nalatigheid. In die Familiereg van Suid-Afrika is die kind se beste belange volgens hulle van kardinale belang (ek twyfel); maar die bewerings word nietemin ondersoek totdat die verdagte ouer sy of haar onskuld kan bewys. In die proses word die kind dan ook van die ouer verwyder. Die probleem hiermee is, dat die hele proses geweldig tydsaam is. Hoe langer die ouer van die kind verwyder is, hoe moeiliker is dit om die verhouding te herstel. Ongelukkig is ons geregstelsel inherent magteloos, swak, en onwillig om konsekwent in hulle optrede te wees; so dit laat die vervreemde ouer net so magteloos agter.

Suid-Afrika het ‘n nuwe strategie nodig waar kinders summier van vervreemders af weggevat word as daar enigsins geringe tekens van manupilasie is. Die klem moet daarop lê dat ‘n kind met albei ouers ‘n gesonde verhouding moet handhaaf, en albei ouers moet toesien dat dit gebeur. ‘n Program soos ‘Positive Parenting’ wat in Engeland geimplementeer is, behoort hier ook geimplementeer te word.

In die woorde van ene regter Peter Mabuse:

A parent who unnecessarily deprives a child of the opportunities to experience the affection of its other parent and breaks down the image of that other parent in the eyes of the child, is a selfish parent, robbing the child of what should be its heritage. It is humanly incomprehensible why one parent would refuse the other parent the right of access to their own child. The child should not be placed in such a position as to lose affection for either of its parents. It is of importance to any child that a child should retain his or her affection for both parents.